Commitment Confessions and Consistent Contentment.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

I've always had a problem with Commitment, I confess. And in more ways than the way you are assuming, naturally. Yet as a functionally disordered, I worked my Life around this condition of mine for as long as I could until it failed me.

I picked a career that can only be different from day to day and juggled several of such. I had a wardrobe so big I never knew what to wear and found new things to covet constantly. And I practiced serial monogamy at my best and digressed from there when even that became too routine. Four years saw me before I mentally maxed out on all the inconsistency.

Saying that now, I will still tell you I loved every moment of it. Frankly, I may never find anything quite so miserably delicious. When your inability to see things through gets you to see so much more, you're blinded just by sight. On my four year voyeur voyage, I was amongst my own, expressing our desires to defile Always in many a different ways. Justly, when the worlds we live in now spins so fast, so consistently so, how can WE be expected to want to stay the same?

But back to the part where it failed me; It failed me. I don't remember the details, but it was the details that failed to nail everything I believe I wanted to everything I innately needed to become. And I came to want to need the Everyday. I needed to walk to where the ground did not look as psychedelically green to see what grass would feel like under my feet. And it's so easy on the other side, I don't know how I could ever tire of walking forward in this Simplicity.

Even in the throes of youth, I always knew I would have to find an axis to my madness. But know that wanting something that lasts and making something last is the difference between the actuality. I'd still say I have a commitment problem (My boss think it's A.D.D!) But really, to deny it would have me a Liar so yes, I still have my days when living in the confines of structure makes me feel like I am mentally vegetating. But I've made choices that help me deal with my inability to commit or simply stay still, and I'd like to think that by doing so I am slowly becoming what I do.

I aspire to be someone who can stay happy, in the very same place. Because really, if you can't then it does not matter where you walk, you won't know that what you are looking for is where your feet fall. Will update you when I succeed in changing my own mind about commitment and consistency. You must confess, that would make me a really good marketeer indeed ;)




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