Expecting perky pictures with speech bubbles and coy sexual innuendos?
Or a peek into my love life or better yet my blouse?
You're out of luck Pillowtalkers,
call me an old fashioned but today I am going to gore you with actual W-O-R-D-S.
Click to the next post button or brace yourselves.
Either way, you've been warned.
Not many people can stomach sashimi raw Honesty.
I don't know when it happened, exactly, but it did. Feels like just yesterday that everything felt so intrinsically painful in it's imperfection, back when I hated waking up almost as much as I hated people who wore socks with slippers (And I hate that more than 90's Boy Bands, so totally, like, yeah.) Regressing, I can't properly pin point the moment it changed because I feels like I just blinked and when I opened my eyes it got, for lack of a better word.....better. For those of you who have followed me for years on older blogs or famed Facebook notes, you would have seen the shadows of the black sheep, the Soulmate, the depersonalization, the stress induced schizophrenia and the swallowing of every anxiety medication they prescribe to people when they don't really know what is wrong. I fell so deep that somehow to survive I came to terms with Depth and my past lives feels like movies I watched ages ago. And, I don't know if I should be happy the storm has passed or a little sad I didn't get to go outside in the drizzle.
Now this is going to get un-religious.
I'm a born and raised ATHEIST with every little bit of Chinese superstition sprinkled on top. Reading up on psychology and sociology now, it seems comforting to see that being born into the Belief of Coincidence tends to lead individuals down dustier paths to come to terms with their existence. I have somewhat, and accept every belief as part of an umbrella of directional goodness but no, I did not adopt a religion. Even if you are religious, you can surely understand how someone not born into it cannot simply grasp something someone they never met said. We all need to grasp sometimes, so instead of a organized religion, I held on to self subjected experiences that I can deduct on my own in my own time. If finding faith frees you, I never had the struggle because I wan born shackled to self explanation. (And none of that is said with any conceivable offence. So, if you are offended just because I am vaguely talking about something as 'sensitive as religion', then I'm not being judgemental when I say you are being small minded. I don't go on attack when someone assumes the 'fate of my soul' or the demerits of my faithlessness. I'm AGNOSTIC so go hate on some Atheist who openly thinks 'God' is a good as Santa Clause. I do NOT, so leave me be to my personal revelations.) So anyhow, I think the darkest pits was where I would have wound up eventually no matter which bad decisions I baked of left as batter. But, from there I had the opportunity to slowly mould myself the person I had yet to know I wanted to be.
While I was not asking for the world to bend over backwards or do anything really,
I was asking myself, 'Have you had enough?'
Guesss that explains the fame of 'Eat, Pray, Love', the book then the blockbuster movie, because only from nothing can you stand a chance to become everything you never dreamed of.
And here I am, World :)
Self made from scratch and every bit acceptable to myself and that is all that matters to me anyway.
So aside from writing this to let loose some of the honesty afforded to people I actually know,
I want you to know that if you are feeling a little hopeful reading about some strangers Happiness, you too could get it good someday. You may need to fall so deep that everything starts to looks good but hey, to each his own.
My own is a bottomless pit I've learnt to call Home and redecorated with the sarcasm that comes with deliberate acceptance and refurnished with a little of the high life I was willing to work smart and suffer for.
You can visit sometime if you meet me in person.
Just ask, 'How's life in rock bottom, Love?'
And I promise to tell you nothing but the truth.
Hope you are still bracing yourself cause this may just be the humble stepping stone to a habit of Honesty here.
But I can go bribe you with pictures to keep you coming, right?