1 Month Ago.
Pit pat pit pat.
I sat watching the rain streak across the window shield that Sunday on my way for a weekly family dinner. My mother and father we're banthering in Hokkien, the language of childhood comfort in my eyes, which ironically, I barely understand. I wondered why the most comforting things are the ones I don't need to understand. Mentally undressing things and compartmentalizing has been something I've done always, probably so I'd know what to do with it. But being mentally undressed and compartmentalized by myself I felt utterly isolated in my understanding. I know too well I'm not my age, but in that moment I truly felt it, tired and old of the same ferris wheel of a emotions I somehow never get off. Round and round I spin in a halo of bright colorful lights till I'm dizzy and drunk on sensuality or senselessness. Holding the attention of an audience of a thousand people, being in the spotlight of a sardine can of clubbers on a Saturday, under a lovers soft gaze late in the afternoon; That's where I will to become truly alone, watching myself.
That's where I write the best, where I don't want to be read.
I can see it you know, this ripple She feels. And I can feel it so I stopped tapping my fingers on the water surface. So i turned my face away from another soulmate and he didn't give me a reason not to.
Pit pat pit pat.
The rain slapped the glass as the car turned a corner.
I put my head into his shoulder and mumbled that I'm nobody's anymore.
He looked at me and winced before looking away and said begrudgingly
'I'll be your constant'
And I knew he meant it.
My 16 year old brother is my best secret supporter and I can only what I ever did to deserve.
I have to steal the words of my forever fiancee and girl I loved the most, who both agreed in a moment, years ago, that they must have done something right in this life to have me.
Yet another beautiful highlight of my life.
I must have done something right.
There are no words that are better.