Boy Benefits.

Monday, April 05, 2010

I always hear girls saying

'I'm through with boys! Where are all the men? Where!@#$'
'Thats because hes a boy Brie, you really should look for a real man.'

Then I usually ask them, what is the difference between boys and men, to which they reply vaguely something about age or maturity before changing the topic. So last night after switching on a random korean drama to use up my weekly tear quota after a hard weekend (I believe in monitored sadness coz I'm efficient like that and NOT emo. I'm too awesome to be emo, get it right!), it dawned on me, this difference. And age is not part of the equation.

Boys want the benefits of a relationship* without the responsibilities of one.
Men on the other hand get the benefits of a relationship by being responsible for one.

*Benefits may vary but go along the lines of companionship, sex, social affirmation, someone to listen to them whine about work, ego stroking etc

If you've been used to the point you have nothing left to be used you'll get me and get why i say
I'm through with boys. I really cannot be with another. My Jung test personality type is (unfortunately) 'The Giver' which makes me happy to make you happy in the truest sense. I do it till i can't anymore and needless to say such things are wasted on boys.

I'd like to believe I'm a good person and I'll find another. One who won't put his future above 'ours', cast me aside when hes busy, borrow 2k from me and take 6 months to return it eventhough he earns more than me, let me pay for most of the bills eventhough we live together and i do all the housework, promise me or say things he isn't going to do, test me, or scream demeaning things to me when he's upset. Someone who won't leave me at my side of the bed crying for an hour pretending i'm not there...there has to be someone like that. If not, I really am happy to be alone for the rest of my life.

So it is curious to me now girls who are unhappy and stay with boys and don the sad smile when they say 'But i really love him'.
Coz I'm just not that girl anymore.
Pillowtalk Bolster


  1. B Strong. I'm sure you'd fine a fantastic guy soon.

    Sorry yah ... that day no give you Tequila shot but still, it's another liquor right? :p & thanks for letting me win with an easy question.

  2. boys or men aside, i believe compatibility and communication triumph all above when it comes to a relationship. and when the relationship grows, both outlook in life MUST be on the same page, else it'll just be another goodbye.

    understand yours/his language of love (dr. gary chapman), you're bound to last forever :)

  3. 以簡單的行為愉悅他人的心靈,勝過千人低頭禱告。........................................

  4. agree with allison... you gotta be on the same page... i've had my fair share of girls who claimed to to be thru with boys, only to find out 2 to 3 yrs down the line that they still want to be girls...

    so, speaking from experience... if and when you're thru being a girl brie, you will find your man soon enough ;) cos the type of men you're talking about here will steer clear of girls - recalling a post not many months ago where you state that you're not one to "settle", i don't think you're quite ready yet to give up being a girl ;)

  5. Allison- your right about the growing at the same pace which is so improbable i dont count on it.

    I dont know, my definition of forever is different. I feel i have lived lifetimes in the relationships i have been in and the fact it did not last 'forever' does not make it any less real to me. Forever is not an absolute to me.

    Khai - Settling does not make you a woman.
    U better rephrase that :)

  6. brie - perhaps we're talking about different version/definition of settling here...

    ... and unfortunately, in order for me to re-phrase, it's gonna take pages ;) better to do the re-phrasing over coffee if one day we meet again.

    meanwhile, here's a thought for you to ponder...

    the kind of men you're talking about who would be responsible for a relationship seeks a kind of security in the relationship that your public persona do not portray - that automatically eliminates a big percentage of men from ever considering that you'll make a good gf/partner/significant other (and by men, i mean men in the context of boy vs men)

    simply put, and for want of a better analogy, think in terms of risk, security, stability and ROI before even going into feelings and comparability - a responsible man who's serious about the relationship and would invest time and energy to understand and take care of a woman ultimately wants to walk down the aisle with her and to have a "and they live happily ever after" ending. Girls, models, and socialites (and you're in one or more, if not all of the mentioned category), unfortunately falls into the category of "high risk, low security, highly volatile investment" (think investment in terms of time, energy, effort, and feelings)

    in a nutshell (and the hard truth)

    1. guys who get into a relationship with you without knowing you fairly well are the type who haven't thought thru their ROI, or who doesn't care about the ROI - which can only mean that you're disposable as far as they're concerned.

    2. men of the type you've described above, will steer clear of a serious relationship with u - a responsible person would not want to invest in something (read relationship) that looks high risk, low security and unstable at first glance. And if they do, they will be very cautious - small upfront investments (in terms of feelings) , small top-ups over a long period of time (in terms of effort), constantly monitoring their investment, and are prepared to cut their losses (emotionally) and run at the first sign of trouble.

    if you've not shown signs of wanting to settle down, or you're not prepared to settle at this point in time, the men will stay away at a safe distance

    settling does not make u a woman, but it attracts more men than boys ;)

    p/s: i've only talked about what the men look for... we've not even gone into what u look for in a potential mate / relationship ... see, despite the "never lack of choice in boys/men" your true options in terms of the men you can have a good, meaningful and lasting relationship with is significantly much lower.

  7. Khai - "high risk, low security, highly volatile investment"..And people thought attractive girls had it easier -____-----

    I do nothing from the start but show them I'm a regular person so i have to counter your argument that my public persona is a problem. I domesticate really fast too. So emotional investment has never been the issue. But the issue is this, their investment is generally useless (in terms of lifestyle and balance i.e giving as much as you get) to me because they, like you say only put 'small top ups' in terms of effort when I'm all in from the moment i decide i'm going to bother trying.

    So once i feel to used to go on and i leave they suddenly want to throw everything in, which by then I could never respect their sincerity. It's like being tested which I hate because i gave them the benefit of the doubt.

    So yea, a lack of sincerity on their behalf and my lack of patience for 'water testers' ultimately has lead to my lack of Desire to seek 'meaningful' but useless relationships.

    Friends tell me to let them invest in me before i even consider dating but that would be me digressing to a girl now wouldn't it?

    Thus, I've been single a while now.
    I'm holding out for a counter-intuitive kind of relationship with a man. Unlikely but I've got things to keep me busy till then

  8. ROTFL ... people dunno what it's like unless they're in the same shoes (referring to "people think attractive girls have it easier") - attractive people have a bigger meadow to pick from, but that only makes it harder to spot the flower from among the overgrown lalangs :P

    as for your public persona, i'd concur it's not a problem with guys you're ready to date or rather, guys who have made the first move... what i meant, however was ... many potential men would've stayed away (or kept at a safe distance) because of your public persona, which equates to the high possibility that these eligible responsible men never approached u in the first place, which in turn equates to u never having the chance to even show them that you're a regular person ;) ... which resulted in mostly only boys come a knocking... which is of course, what you're lamenting about (granted i may have generalised a lot in this statement, but i believe that's the gist of the issue)

    perhaps it's your giving nature, and maybe perhaps it's not in your nature to be making demands, expecting the other person to intuitively/responsibly attend to your emotional needs ... which resulted in the guys putting in very little effort until u throw in the towel, which by then, as u put it, the sincerity is very much questionable.

    relationships go through many stages, correct me if i'm wrong, but i think you just happen to go from stage 1 (exploring the thought of a possible relationship) to stage 4 (working on maintaining the relationship) very quickly whereas most of the time, the guys were probably fresh out of stage 2 (give it a go and see if it works) going into stage 3 (committing to the relationship), unaware that to you, stage 3 and stage 4 are the same thing :)

    letting them "invest in u before u even consider dating" is so not brie, i don't foresee that happening even if you tried ;P

    being single ain't that bad, heheh... and at your age, u can well afford to hold out for a long long time ;)


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