Daddys and their Not So Little Girls.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Its very rare I'm alone with my father. So as i stared at the rear view mirror at his reflection it dawns on me how much younger i remember him. The wrinkles around his eyes don't ever seem to store itself in my permanent memory. Nor does his graying hairs. Suppose its the same way he sees me. Awkward, flat chested and forever 6 or 7, the age of daddy's girls. Sometimes he stares at me and when i catch him looking he says hes forgotten what i look like. Just the way i do. Enjoying the silence, I sat in the car listening to the hum of the air con while he flipped through the papers as my mom was out running an errand after our lunch. He stared at me and asks the only thing he ever asks about my boyfriends which he eventually chooses to acknowledge.

"So, your friend staying with you, is he kind?"

I look away from his reflection for a moment. That's his way of asking me if my bf has a bad temper. I tell my father that my current live in boyfriend is really smart.

He looks at me as if he knows exactly what i mean and how much that hurts him.

Then as if we never talked, he goes back to reading the newspaper.

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Losing a Whole Year - Third Eye Blind.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

And I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamned day in bed, Losing a whole year.

Its been 12 months I've been out of love with the 'love of my life'.

11 months working the bar at Raw to comfortably self support through college..

10 months since the psych pumped me up with so much meds i forgot my name.
Borderline personality what?

9 months since i stood at the doorsteps of the love box with the last of my things in a big blue suitcase.

8 months since i got my own studio that costs more than fresh grads will earn in Msia.

7 months since i turned the big 2-0 in Singapore and spent new years breaking down in Bali.

6 months on my RM800 a month Herbalife supplements and a size 22.5 waist again,

5 months of liberation from coffee slavery.

4 months out of a LDR* with a verbally abusive SGP Porsche race car driver,

3 months dating my very very protective best friend who's married to advertising. Which works 4 both of us.

2 months since last voice-hearing-color-changing-breakdown and dropping out of HELP ADP.

1 month back into modeling to pay next month shopping bills.

Its a year already?

And now I realize you never heard one goddamned word I ever said, Losing a whole year.

*Long distance relationship
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What Pays My Bills.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

What paid my bills recently? I polished a luxury car. No, seriously. Other times I pose next to them wearing skimpy uniforms holding an umbrella or stand around in heels and smile for media showers at launches. Sometimes I walk around in clothes on platforms with bright lights. So you can see why my parents don't exactly brag to their friends that after years of private education their second daughter, currently off medication, has decided she doesn't know what to do with her life, doesn't want to do what they want her to do and does events and models to pay her bills till she decides.

I'm not really complaining. I'm financially independent and live a pretty good life. But there is a problem with quick and considerably easy money banked in by superficial means. It recently dawned upon me upon meeting up with old high school buds who have graduated in something. Yes, they are doing shitty internships earning the equivalent of what i spend on shoes in a month (Don't be mad Wilson, U have a degree! That doesn't fade with time bud!) However, they work for money. And when i truly think about it, I don't. Not really. Or i don't feel i do. So how do you go from getting paid to do what is essentially to exist to getting educated and being paid to sit behind a desk from 9-5 to pay off the loans that education afforded you? Bum deal, no?

Just a thought. I gotta get the list of colleges i want to apply for stream lined quick. That and SAT dates. Work :(

To end this post, here's pictures from the Z4 soft launch I did with Alison Tay early in June@BMW Cyberjaya.

Always loved the Z series. Very chick. And for someone who's considerably unenthusiastic about fast exy rides who has been around plenty (let me not under stress it) Plenty of luxury cars, who also does not have a license, a Z series would be my dream car :) Probably be a Z10 by the time i can afford it but hey, depreciating assets are things that can wait.
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